Sexual Healing by Dr. Margarita Kressin

This is my last post. My family and I are leaving Froedtert & The Medical College of Wisconsin and the state of Wisconsin. We are moving south and hope to bring sexy back to Texas. They say everything is bigger and better in Texas, we'll see about that.

I thank everyone who has read my posts. I hope people learned a thing or two about their bodies, their relationships, and of course, sex.

Take care everyone.

Margaret Kressin

---

The following is feedback received for this blog: Dear Dr. Kressin I just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful articles/blogs. You truly are a inspiration to many women. I also want to thank you for your advice on relationships. You made me a better person in life and my marriage. I wish you the best in Texas and have no doubt you will be successful. You will be missed by many, but mostly by friends and family. Just remember friends are only a phone call away. Good Luck Tracy

My husband and I are now at that time of our life where we are experiencing our friends getting divorced. We have life cycles: college, engagements, weddings, births of first born, births of other children. And now divorces.

Divorce is a strange thing. It’s hard to even wrap our head around it, and we are not even the party involved. We start to reminisce about the times we spent with the couple. We wonder, what happened? What was so terrible that divorce was the only option? I’m sure all married couples walk down the aisle or up the steps to the courthouse or along the sandy beach not thinking that there will be a day that this will end.

Having not done this before, it is hard for me to comprehend how one goes from “to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” to “this is too difficult/not worth salvaging/you’re an evil person/I don’t love you anymore/you are the spawn of Satan.”

All couples have their disagreements and arguments that can be emotionally devastating. But right now, it has never gotten so bad where leaving my husband is an option ... let alone the only option. I hope we never get to that point. Then again, I am 100 percent sure none of our friends ever thought that they would reach that point either.

I am a phone call away from my friend ready for that shoulder when she needs it. My husband has met his friends for a drink when they needed it. We come back to our home thankful it’s still there, thankful our marriage has survived another day.

It’s been a while since I have written a blog, and I do apologize. I could come up with a million excuses but the bottom line is it was not a priority in the last few months of 2010. There are two lessons to be gathered from this.

1. Women sometimes have to be selfish and take care of themselves. Many of my patients come to the clinic saying they love their husband, they would like to have sex, they would like to give him what he wants — BUT ...
   
   a. I’m too busy
   b. I’m too tired
   c. I have to take care of the kids and by the time I’m done, I barely have time for me
   d. I have to work and I have nothing left when I come home
   e. He doesn’t help and so I have to do everything
   f. I have to go to Pick 'n Save, Target, Boston Store, kids’ (name that sport or lesson)
   
   In some cases, it has gotten so bad that some women don’t even have the time to go to the doctor, dentist, get a haircut. Sex, therefore, goes to the bottom of the list. And I can’t blame them. I get tired just listening to them.
   
   Unfortunately, women are wired to do everything, take care of everyone; often at the cost of their health, their sanity, their relationship, themselves.
   
   Now, I am not advocating these magnificent (because what else could they be) women completely neglect their children or job, but there is only so much time to do everything. So, women, be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the gift of time, to take care of ourselves; sometimes at the expense of certain duties or assignments or obligations. So, I apologize, but the blog was what needed to give.
   
   
2. Women sometimes need to prioritize their husband, their relationship, and sex. I know, I know, refer back to No. 1. I do believe; however, those things that are important to us are the things we choose to devote time and energy. I would argue that our partner, the person we chose to spend the rest of our life with, to build a family with, is an important person to give notice to. It does not have to be a three-hour sex romp (although if you have the time and energy, go for it), but a few minutes to acknowledge them. I have said this in the past: Schedule date night, schedule sex if you have to. We schedule everything else anyway.
   
   Also, it does not have to be sex. It could be an act of kindness. One example is this: My husband and I were going to run our half marathon and he needed nip guards. Nip guards are like pasties for runners so their nipples don’t bleed because of friction from rubbing against their shirts, especially during distance running. (If you have not seen bloody nipples during a marathon, it is not a pretty sight.) Well, we went to three sporting and running stores, and, for some reason, they are impossible to find in Milwaukee. It was too late to order online. So, the next day, I called about five stores (which, by the way, trying to explain nip guards to non-runners generated a lot of giggles on the other end of the phone ... really?) before I found a store that carried them. I then bought the only nip guards, seemingly, in the greater Milwaukee area and gave them to him. It was time I needed to invest for us. It wasn’t really a big “present,” but it was a big deal for him … and for his nipples.
   
   And I do acknowledge him when he does things like shovel, brush the snow off my car, take the dogs out when it’s 8 degrees. It does work both ways. My husband and I are careful not to take each other for granted. Complacency can be the start of indifference and resentment.

So, in conclusion, it is sometimes necessary to be selfish for yourself, for your partner, for your relationship, for sex. And it is not a bad thing.

I read a recent article about a study that looked at how women tended to pick mates with dance moves that accentuated the movements of the head, neck and torso. The researchers created avatars to hide what the men actually looked like, and then let them dance. Women tended to pick the men as attractive when their dance moves with the head and torso were exuberant.

Which brings me to a recent festival I went to and observations on the mating rituals of animals and dancing people.
 
In the animal kingdom, many animals perform “dances” to attract their mates. The male peacock fluffs its tail and struts around in front of the female, the frigate bird puffs up his throat into a giant red balloon then waggles his head from side to side and shakes his wings, the Galapagos turtle bobs his head and bellows to find a mate.
 
And then we have the humans. I was at a local festival, watching one of the local bands that played music suited and beckoned for dancing to occur. If purely from an observer standpoint, this strange mating ritual can actually be confusing. It is hard to actually distinguish males and females. In the animal world, the males are usually more colorful, more beautiful. Not so in the humans. There is no difference in dress. 95 percent of the humans were wearing jeans. Hair was not necessarily different either. Girls sport shorter cuts, and then there is the occasional mullet from the guys. There was one person, who from the back looked like a female, but then when "she" turned around, it was a definitely a "he," sporting a longer do with locks that some women would be envious. And then there’s the dancing. There is really no distinction in the dance moves of each gender. There was also no distinction as to who approached who to entice them. We were standing and watching for several hours, so we got to see who was clearly trying to make the moves on strangers to get them to dance with them. Women were coming up to men, men to women. And, no, the more enthusiastic dancer did not necessarily attract the opposite sex.

Humans are clearly more complicated. Obviously, dancing is just one of many rituals we perform to show attraction to another person. But sometimes, I think the animals have it clearer and easier. I think some of my girlfriends would agree that it would be nice to know that a guy is interested in you if they flap their arms around or bellow a mating call. Then you know if they don’t do that, there’s no guessing, you move on. You don’t get a dance move, he’s just not that into you.

Because of what I do, people often open up to me and people ask sex questions. Recently, (let’s call her) Norma complained to me that it hurt to have sex (official medical term is dyspareunia). Nothing hurts any other time, but definitely with sex, there is pain.

How long has it been going on?

10 years.

10 years?! Why did you not get help?

I thought it was just part of getting older. (She is in her late 50s) Besides I didn’t think there was anything we can do for it. So I just dealt with it. But now it’s getting worse that we have had to stop since I was in tears.

Dyspareunia is a common condition and can actually happen at any age. It can be due to a multitude of factors from fibroids, STDs, vulvar issues or vulvodynia, vaginal dryness and atrophy, or muscles of the pelvic floor issues. An examination is necessary to rule out any life-threatening condition.

I told the patient to see her gynecologist to rule out any gynecologic pathology and if there is nothing they could find, and if she still has pain with sex, then I can certainly see her.

She was thankful that there could be a reason and a name to her condition. She was most relieved to find out that it was just “not in her head” and that it wasn’t because of her husband.

The lesson is that pain is never normal. Unfortunately there are cases where it can be the normal if this becomes a chronic pain condition. There are studies that show that if we can get to the patient soon after the pain starts (in this case — pelvic pain seen within a two-year onset) there is a greater chance of curing the patient compared to a patient who was seen after two years. So the second lesson is that the sooner you get your pain taken care of the better the chances that this gets cured.