Sexual Healing by Dr. Margarita Kressin

I recently saw my patient, let’s call her Emma. Emma has been on my “magic potion” to try to restore her libido and restore sexual function.

Like some of my critics, she was skeptical at first. After all, it had been close to 15 years since she felt the “urges,” she calls it. Sex has become a duty and a job and could these meds really help her?
 
I asked her how things are going. She smiled, rather sheepishly.  “I think … I felt horny.” (Rockstar!) But then she started crying.

Were there bad side effects? Did you have trouble with the drugs?   Was it too expensive that you can’t afford it? Was your husband not happy? Oooh ... I struck a nerve.

“He thinks I’m cheating because I tried to initiate sex. He’s so angry. He thinks I’m addicted to sex.”
 
Like most magic potions, there could be good and bad consequences that happen. We usually deal with physiologic side effects with most medication. I always say that women have a mind/body approach to sex, so with the treatments, relationship and emotional side effects may happen.
 
I referred Emma (and her husband) to our psychologist for counseling and they are on their way to healing. Sometimes, all it takes is the Princess and Prince Charming for a fairy tale to happen. But sometimes, we need seven dwarfs, a fairy godmother, or a talking donkey to have a happy ending.

I’ve lost my libido, have you found it?

One of my friends (let’s call her Barb), came to me one day, distressed, crying, that sort of crying where the mascara is running, shoulders are going up and down, and you're gasping for air. I could barely make out what she was saying ...

”Chris ... (gasp) divorce ... guggghh ... no sex ... sob … (gasp) his needs ... snort ... one year.”

Chris was her husband, and I think he wanted a divorce, that much I could figure. I’ve stopped guessing what friends are trying to tell me. They know what I do, and lately, all bets are off when it comes to what they confide in me.

After a cocktail, a box of tissues, lots of hugging, she finally uttered a complete sentence … well several.

“Chris wants a divorce. We haven’t had sex in a year and he finally broke. He said he has needs. What am I going to do?”

Barb was 45, a mother of three, two dogs, a cat. She was a nurse and up until now, had what I thought was a loving, close, and still sexual relationship with her husband that I wished to have at her age.

“What happened to afternoon delight on Sundays that you told me,” I asked.

“All lies. I couldn’t tell anyone we weren’t having sex. I can’t tell anyone I don’t even feel anything sexual towards my husband. I love him though. Isn’t that strange?”

Actually, not really.

“Help me,” she pleaded. “Why do I feel this way? I used to want to have sex, you know. Now, not so much. What can I do?”

Barb’s story continues in subsequent blogs, though the name may change …

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The following is feedback received for this blog: I sympathize with both people in this sex-starved relationship, but I identify more closely with poor Chris -- because for nearly three years now, I've been walking in his shoes. Sadly, I know all too well what it feels like to have physical and emotional needs that go unmet and unfulfilled. Back in 2005 my wife lost her ovaries due to illness, and along with them she lost her once robust interest in sexual intinacy. Since then, sex has been infrequent at best -- on average, just once a month or so. Moreover, once passionate lovemaking has given way to mechanical, and largely emotionless sex grudgingly offered up to placate me. I find it extremely difficult to feel good about sex when my wife dispassionately instructs me to "Hop on and just get it over with." Under these conditions, it's hard for me to respond, let alone maintain an erection. The fact that a robust sex life is a normal, health and wholly necessary component of a successful marriage seems entirely lost on her. She deals with the situation by rationalizing that my sex drive is abnormally high, rather than confronthing the fact that hers is abnormally low. Because of my wife's breast cancer history, she can't have estrogen replacements, and testosterone therapy has been largely ineffective in restoring her flagging libido. Surely there must be some treatment that will restore the loving, passionate partner I married some 13 years ago. - Kiernan

One of the duties I have working in academics is teaching the community and my fellow physicians about what I do: sexuality and fertility.

This is something I love to do. Luckily for me, these topics trigger interest in most of my audience, and I can usually capture and keep their attention for the hour that I have them. Falling asleep and yawning is not accepted!

I often ask if there are questions at the end of the talk, and understandably, most don’t ask questions, but people do come up to me at the end, individually.

Sex and fertility (or lack thereof ...actually), after all, are sensitive subjects. We also don’t want to reveal our insecurities, difficulties or perhaps unusual practices out in public.

That being said, I have been asked by our computer gods to tell you that the e-mails and feedbacks are not encrypted or blacked out; therefore, names are printed when I get them. Unless you want to be identified, we suggested not leaving your name.

Also, I will try to answer questions posed (which I have enjoyed receiving and reading), understanding that I cannot do this all the time. I will use the feedback whenever possible as subject matter for future blog entries, but the answers will remain rather general so as not to reveal people’s identities.

Nothing in this blog is intended to be specific medical advice for any condition. Please see your own doctor for specific questions.

I thank you for your interest and your questions.