Thoughts from the Happy Fat Guy

I figured out the secret to succeeding at this WLS thing: There is no secret. And if you are reading this blog thinking that Scott’s Journey will make mine that much easier to face, I greatly apologize, but I am probably going to burst your bubble. This post will probably test just how honest I want to be with you the reader and how honest Froedtert & The Medical College of Wisconsin wants me to be with you the patient.

My weight is maintaining at about 255 pounds. Still down about 120 pounds from one year ago. That is the good news. The bad news is that I have been failing at this process for about the last six months. Yes, I am eating less and eating healthier than before. I am able to do more and can be more active than I was before. But just because I can do more doesn’t mean that I am. I am not taking full advantage of the benefits of this surgery.

There are ways to cheat this surgery. There are ways to cheat anything. I will not share the specifics with you because, let's be honest, many of you who are reading this are already familiar with the cheating and lying to yourself. God knows that I am. In many ways I feel like I am becoming my own self-fulfilling prophecy. I went into this worried in the back of my mind about failure and here I am taking steps towards failure.

The hospital and I have talked about putting a “sunset” date on my blog writing. But I have asked for more time. I have taken steps in the last few weeks to get back on the path I need. The surgery helped with the physical part of this, now I have to deal with and face the mental aspect of it. I would be honored to be able to keep informing those of you interested in the progress I can make. Thanks for reading.

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The following is feedback received for this blog: hello Scott. I have kept up reading your blog entries and really hope the hospital does not "sunset" it. Your honesty is inspirational. We all have our challenges in life and you have choosen to share some very personal information.I applaud you!! I wish you continued success!! - jeanette

Well, if you have been paying attention, there hasn’t been much said here to pay attention to. What has been going on in Scott’s world you may ask? Has success gone to his head? Has the weight loss changed his lifestyle so much that he has no free time for blogging? Has he had a massive weight gain and is he cowering in a large hole?

The simple answer to these questions is no. My weight is maintaining at 255 pounds, which is down 121 pounds since the surgery. I have to admit, it has been great spending this first summer post-op. To be able to go camping and do activities with the family that before were improbable has been great. I have really enjoyed being able to buy clothes in normal stores. I eat many of the same foods that I did before, but now I enjoy them in moderation. A portion size is a third of what it used to be, and eating takes longer now. Instead of stuffing in as much as I could as fast as I could, I now take my time with my meals. I allow myself to enjoy what I am eating and I allow my body to tell me when it is full.

There are struggles though. Since early in this journey, I have noticed changes emotionally. These are changes that I cannot put a finger on. The surgery itself has been a rousing success, but there are changes going on that are beyond my comprehension. At a time in my life when I should feel more complete than ever, I feel quite lost and broken. At a time when I should be experiencing a new level of joy, I seem to be finding it hard to enjoy this new life. Even as I write this, I question why I feel this way. More importantly, I question what I have to do to change these feelings.

The one constant that I continue to be grateful for is a supportive and loving wife and family. To say that I have not been a treat to have around the house lately would be an understatement. Yet, as I continue to walk this road, I know I am not on it alone. Mary and the kids continue to stand beside me without hesitation.

I find no pleasure in admitting these things on this blog, quite the opposite actually. I can’t help but feel a bit ashamed at the moment. But I feel that it is important that I continue to be honest with those of you who take the time to read this. I am still grateful for this life-changing procedure, but I can’t lie to you either. It is not all sunshine and rainbows.

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The following is feedback received for this blog: Scott-I have been reading this since you started posting. You have come a long way since the surgery and hopefully this will be a small stumbling block on a GREAT road to success. You're pretty brave to be that candid about the struggles and not just telling us about all the "sunshine and rainbows". Please be sure to make use of all the resources available to you such as support groups or mental health professionals. I'm sure anyone who has been following your blog is pulling for you to be able to enjoy your success. Hang in there, Scott. Reading this blog, I can tell you're doing this for the people you love. Remember that and remember them. That'll get you through it. - Don

It can be easy to forget how many things an extra 130 pounds kept me from doing. When obesity is your life, you learn to adapt. There are things you don't even bother to attempt because you know that physically you will be unable to do them. There are stores and shops you don't bother to go to because you know it will be a waste of time. There are activities you won't put on your agenda because you know you won't be able to enjoy them. This is what your life becomes. And just like any habit, you don't give it a second thought after awhile. You accept this as your reality and move on.

We recently took a camping trip to St. Louis, and I experienced firsthand how much this surgery has changed my life. We went to Six Flags St. Louis. Probably doesn't sound like a big deal. You have to remember though that my children have never been to Six Flags until I had this surgery. The simple fact was that I knew I wouldn't fit on the rides my kids would want to go on. How do you explain that to an 8-year-old? Sorry, but daddy is too fat for that ride, and the other ride, and all the rides for that matter. This time it was different. I fit on everything. For the first time in many years I went to a park and had no restrictions. I took my daughter on every roller coaster there, twice. The joy that this brought me is immeasurable.

We visited the Gateway Arch. Truly a marvel of modern design and engineering. To get to the top of the Arch, though, you have to ride in a tram car. A really small tram car. There is no way I could have fit in that car with my family before the surgery. I would have needed a separate car to ride up in. The reality is I probably would have made some lame excuse to not even go up because I wanted to avoid the embarrassment.

Gift shops are another place I avoided. When you wear a 4XL shirt, there really is no need to walk into a gift shop. You know there will be nothing there for you anyway. However on this trip, I was able to come home with a few nice mementoes. This even applies to regular stores. This last week, there was a benefit dinner honoring my mother who passed away. Problem was I found out the night before that it required business dress. Needless to say, none of my dress clothes from before my surgery fit. Instead of panicking, I was able to walk into Kohl's and find a nice outfit, that fit, and was on sale. 

Has this been a perfect journey with no bumps? Absolutely not. And as I get further out I am facing some new challenges. But I am beginning to experience just how life-changing this procedure can be. How many doors it can open that have been closed far too long.  It is a remarkable thing to begin to live life without the restrictions of obesity. Not only for me, but my family as well.

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The following is feedback received for this blog: Yahoo for Great America!! We went on Mother's Day and I too got on all the rides. Even on De Je Vu - and the last time I tried they kicked me off because they could not close the harness(how embarrassing). We walked and walked and I did not get tired - my family is loving it!! Keep up the great work and the sharing of your experience. - Diane Hi Scott, I've been reading your blog since you began this journey. I want to say, "Thank You" because you've given me the insite to the reality of life after surgery. I'm extremely overweight and plan on having the surgery later this year. I would delight in reading more as you progress on what new challenges you're facing and what new joys you experience. Congratulations & Best Wishes!! - Grace C.

It’s hard to believe, but on March 18 it will be six months since I had my surgery. Even harder to believe is the fact that I have lost 120 pounds. People call me “slim” and make comments about how skinny I look. Maybe it’s a self image thing, but 250 pounds still doesn’t strike me as being skinny. That being said, I could not be happier with the weight loss I have achieved. To put it in perspective, in six short months I have lost a supermodel.

More important are the benefits I have seen in my health. I am off of all blood pressure medications. My blood pressure and pulse are lower now than when I was taking three medications a day to alter them. My cholesterol was 330 prior to surgery. I think the bacon may have played a small role in that. Now, it is 145. I am no longer using my CPAP machine for sleep apnea. The headaches that I used to get at least three times a week are gone. The constantly sore lower back and heel spurs are considerably improved.

There are many other benefits that are coming out. I have lost 12 inches in my waist, 10 inches from my chest and 4 inches from my neck. I have had the wonderful experience of buying underwear from Wal-Mart instead of the big man store. I was able to take advantage of a great sale at Boston Store where I got $500 worth of clothes for under $100. This is a store I would not have even stepped in for the last 15 years. And to be honest, there has been a noticeable improvement in my sex life. As if my wife needed more reasons than just my health for the surgical benefits.

Now, to answer a few questions. Yes, I still get hungry. This is a challenge I am still working on. I would be lying if I said it didn’t frustrate me at times. Hopefully Dr. Wallace won’t get too angry, but yes, I do have a dessert of some kind after dinner sometimes. It is no longer the extra large sundae from Culvers, but something simple like a popsicle or a pudding. I still do not enjoy working out. I do it, and I understand the necessity of it, but it still isn’t fun. Maybe when it warms up and I can get outside it will help. Yes, I still have cravings. I have had dreams about Solly’s. And in my dreams the burgers, fries and malt don’t taste as good as I know they do in real life. When we watch Man vs. Food every week there is at least one thing that makes me want to go to the destination city. Especially the doughnut place in Texas with hot, fresh-dipped doughnuts the size of your head. I also believe that the cows and pigs at the farm are laughing hysterically at the chickens because now their population is decreasing at the same alarming rate that their four legged friends were just six months ago.

And on to the most important question, do I have any regrets? No, not one. I am absolutely blown away by what I have been able to accomplish over these last six months. I though it would take at least a year to lose my first hundred pounds. Now, here I am only six months post-op, and I am 25 pounds away from my goal. Unbelievable. This has not been easy and it is not a quick fix. I do not have it all figured out and there are answers that I am still seeking. But knowing what I know now, would I do it again? In a heartbeat. For those of you who are considering the surgery or are recent graduates of it, please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have (use the Feedback link below). I am no expert and I will never pretend to be one. But I can offer a caring and compassionate ear and a perspective only those of us who have had the surgery have.

Here are some more before-and-after pictures. The old me on the left and me six-months post-op on the right:

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The following is feedback received for this blog: Congratulations on doing a great job!! I hit the 80 pound mark and feel really great too. I cannot believe it but I feel guilty if I take the elevator at work now and I am on the third floor!! The pictures look great and I know what you mean about the shopping - I am having a blast!! My daughter is having fun dressing me and I am actually looking at patterns and colors - a new one for me!! Thanks again for sharing - keep up the good work and hopefully I will see you at the lunch at the end of the month!! - Diane Hey Scott, I think that was really cool that you had the surgery not only for your health, but for the well of your family. I too am obese and have sleep apnea. Along with that, I have high blood pressure. I'm really scare to have this surgery. I know that I need it. I also snore. Did you snore before you had this surgery as well? I don't want to snore in bed with my lady friend anymore. I know that I interrupt her sleep. And I don't want to interrupt her sleep anymore. - Kevin Like you I have been "heavy" most of my life but hid it by "being tall". You made the choice in time before seeing some of the major health issues that obesity can bring. Unfortunately I have waited until many of them have reared the ugly head. I suffered with liver disease that eventually led to a liver transplant in September of 2002. Along with that I developed a plural effusion (fluid around the lung) that hampers my breathing. To make matters worse I also smoked about 2 packs of cigarettes a day a habit that I broke at Christmas of last year. I still have the COPD that resulted from this addiction along with hypertension, sleep apnea and recently diagnosed diabetes, all the symptoms that go along with a BMI of 39. What really got to me was that when I finally quit smoking I gained more weight. Even with eliminating as much sugar as possible and eating "low fat" foods I still gained weight. I also have been working out in the Cardio Pulmonary Rehabilitation Clinic at the VA. I have decided that I need to loose the weight to get the health issues under control and regain a normal healthy lifestyle. I just hope that I will be accepted into the program. As far as I can tell there has never been a surgical candidate who has had a liver transplant. - Mark

Don’t tell anyone, but I have a secret. I’m going to share it with you, but only because you all have been so supportive of me. This may come as a shock, but I think the economy may be taking a hit. If your house is anything like ours, you may have already noticed the changes affecting your family. But there is hope. Invest in fast food chains because as hard as things are getting, there never seems to be a shortage of cars at these businesses. I am beginning to think that fast food may be the cockroaches of the economic recession we are in. As everything falls down around us in an economic meltdown, there are still new happy meal toys for all.

So what does this have to do with weight loss? One of my common statements pre-op was, “how expensive it is to eat healthy.” Whenever I began to diet and try eating healthier, it always seemed that our grocery bill went up. This surgery has helped me realize that I was only half right. Yes, if you begin to watch what you eat, your grocery bill will go up. But as you spend more at the grocery store, you will notice something strange. You will actually have more money in your pocket. How does this work, you may ask?

If I asked you how much you spend at a grocery store in a month, you could probably give me a pretty close estimate. But, let me ask you a more difficult question. How much do you spend a month on food not bought in a grocery store? This includes the coffee stop in the morning, the vending machines throughout the day at work, the restaurants, and yes, all of the fast food. I guarantee that you have no real concept of how much of your money goes to these types of expenses.

I would like to challenge each of you to do something. For the next two weeks, keep track of every cent you spend on these items. Every trip to the drive-thru. Every soda and bag of chips bought out of a machine. Every half-caf double mocha chino espresso with foam and cream. Every drink at a bar. Anything you buy to eat or drink that didn’t come from a grocery store or your own house. I promise you that you will be shocked at the results. My family and I did this about two years ago as we made some drastic changes to our financial life. The results shocked even me. On average, at least $400 to $500 of our monthly income was going to eating out and vending crap.

Do we spend more at the grocery store since my surgery? Yes, we absolutely do. Consider this though, since my surgery five months ago, I have spent less than $20 at work. I have not ordered lunch once and the only thing I have bought out of a vending machine has been skim milk. I used to go through at least $50 a month just at work. Will you still see my family in the drive-thru lane? Yes you will. But it’s once a week instead of almost every day. What used to be a $500 a month expense is now about $100. As money becomes tighter, trust me when I tell you that this is an area where you can make your dollar stretch.

If you are brave enough, I would like to invite you to take the two-week challenge. Write it all down, every penny spent. And then, send my your number through the feedback mechanism on this blog (at the bottom of this post). You don't have to leave your name so rest assured that your name along with your number won't be posted for all to see. This newfound accountability is the first step in long-standing change. Next time, I will share even more money-saving advantages of my post-surgical life.